Loss of identity

Run On
***warning: Negative & whiney post ***

I'm struggling a bit with the whole thought of ballooning up in size and not being able to run as much as I would like, or do other things like I do now. It hasn't come to this point yet, but I'm anxious and scared of what will happen. I am always that person worried about something coming up, that isn't even worth worrying about at the time. Why I do this to myself I don't know!! I'm also wondering why just one person in the relationship has to be the one to give up her body, stay home from work for x amount of time, and be the main caregiver. I think it would be fair if we could take turns and next kid, my husband could carry. I'm kind of resentful.

In the first trimester, my speed (and motivation) declined. Some days I had to drag myself to the gym. I was so lucky not to be sick, but I couldn't wait to leave the gym or be done with my workout most days. That is better now and I enjoy working out everyday, but now I have this stupid knee problem which isn't allowing me to run fast. Looking at my mileage and time is starting to get me down. Thinking back to my spring running, which is when I really started to run fast (for me), and my times now, it is kind of hard to swallow. And it is only going to get harder.

Below at 13 weeks (8/15/08), totally sucking it in. I haven't really gained weight yet, but I started out being 5 pounds over my normal weight and feeling bulky for my small frame (5"4). I think those 5 pounds made their debut as back fat, which is gross and adds to my waist size. So far, I just feel like I'm over my normal weight and bloated.



Today I trucked through a 7.28 mile run in 1:05. In the spring, I would have done that in less than an hour. I should be resting my knee, but fighting the slow down already, I am forcing myself to run on. I have a great deal of nervousness as to the next 6 months and beyond! My goal has been to do the Boston Marathon next year with a charity. It is 2 months after my due date and probably not even close to a legitimate goal, but I feel like I need to keep my identity somehow and have something planned out to look forward to to make sure that I'm still in there. I was thinking of applying and seeing if I get in and taking it as meant to be or not. I am not looking for a PR.

I was elated after finishing a long run last week, even though looking at the time, it took FOREVER in relation to past runs! Still, I felt empowered that I could still run long.

I'm trying to find balance and realize the end result will be so worth it, but instead I am scared s***less and being totally selfish. I need to realize that it isn't forever, it IS a sacrifice, and my world will be rocked and have more meaning with the addition of a child. Maybe running won't be so important in my life, and running marathons won't be my main goals? I feel like I am the anti pregnant girl and that everyone else who is pregnant is just super excited and happy.