Nick

Kara

8.28.2009

What really matters?


Nick swimming !


I'm a deep thinker and always thinking about SOMEthing. If I have something questionable on my mind, it always sits heavy and I find it hard to concentrate on other things. Working has always been a great distraction from anything that is going on in my life because it is so fulfilling, I don't have a chance to think while teaching. At home Nick distracts me.

Every time that I have questioned my decision to stay home, I have thought about what really matters in my life. I try to do the 10 year rule. In 10 years what will I have wished that I did? (The 10 year rule gets me out of a lot of workouts too, consequently). In 10 years, what is going to matter: that I worked because I wanted to work and not miss out on my current status and students, or that I stayed home and watched Nick grow and taught him things (since I have the opportunity to do so)? It always turns out the latter when I do the 1o year rule. And I remind myself that in 10 years I'll be teaching and not have the option to take a year off. I have to constantly remind myself of these things.

What makes it hard for me is that I know the kids NOW. The class that are going to be seniors were my first class at the school that I teach at - they were freshmen. When I return, they will be gone. I've missed their senior year. Also when I return, it might be time for #2 and I'll be out again. So by making the decision to stay out this upcoming year, I don't see it as just a year. I see it as a few years of being in and out of school to take time off to stay home with babies. I won't have the same relationships. Staff will change. It will all be different. It is a huge adjustment, since teaching is part of who I am. And now as the year starts off, there will be no back to school mode. It is just kind of weird. I know that I've beaten this issue into the ground, but it sits heavily with me. Part-time teaching would be ideal, but I didn't find anything.

Do you ever think about what you are doing with your life and your relationships and evaluate them? Are you living the life that you imagined? Are there parts that you want to change? Relationships that you want to mend? What do you have to do to make that happen?

What type of person do I want to be?

What kind of mom do I want to be? Wife? Daughter? Sister? Friend? I try to evaluate this and make sure I am headed in the right direction and taking care of the things that really matter. I definitely have some work to do, and some shaping and figuring out where to go from here. As I reached my late 20s and really got into teaching and loved my job, I figured I wouldn't stay home with my kid(s) - only for 6 to 8 weeks. I'm at the point where I'm re-evaluating and working towards putting the pieces of the puzzle in the right place.

Here are some of my puzzle pieces:

MOM: Now that Nick is here, I know that I want to be the one to raise him, teach him things, feed him healthy foods, shape his mind, be a good role model.. everything. For me, when the day comes, (if it does), it will be hard for me to drop him in daycare.

WIFE: I'm a little gaga over the baby and haven't made as much time as I should for my marriage. They always say that you have to plan date nights (we do and then cancel them), and make sure the marriage is the strong backbone. It is strong but I need to work on it more for sure. A baby throws a loop into the house and changes everything! At least that is how it is for me. I think if I was working, it would be totally different, and maybe better for our marriage, since nothing would have drastically changed. Me staying home with Nick has changed some dynamics in our house.

FRIEND: I think that I am a good friend to the friends that I care the most about.

DAUGHTER/SISTER: My relationship with my parents needs work. I'm too hard on them. I'm a good sister now but I was mean to my brother growing up, which sucks because I didn't know what I was doing. I wish that I was more loving as a small child, but instead I tried to trip my brother when he was learning to walk, and pinched him when no one was looking. I was nice to my sister. Now we have decent relationships, but I'm demanding and sometimes want more out of my siblings and a closer bond.

We can always better ourselves. What things do you constantly work on, or want to work on?

14 comments:

  1. A wise woman once told me if you are worrying about what you are doing with your child (staying home vs. working) then you are a good mom, because you have your child's best interest at hear. I currently work part-time (I know probably not an option for a teacher) and we are very fortuante to have family that watches her when I am at work or working from home. I am happy with my decision and never think about working full-time. I do have thoughts of staying home, but I have a very good job and if they will allow me to work part-time, I will continue to do that. It is hard being a SAHM. On my days off, I get lonely sometimes; you don't have that adult interaction. I think you are doing the right thing, FWIW.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Do you ever think about what you are doing with your life and your relationships and evaluate them?

    EVERY DAY!! :) At the moment I struggle with the fact that many of my friends have (or are having) babies and I'm not quite there yet (is that wrong?), and then where our ever evolving friendships fit into that (they have less time, so I need to be flexible). It's made harder by living outside the country, but hopefully that will change in the next few years.

    Is your life what you thought it would be? Are there parts that you want to change? Relationships that you want to mend?

    There are definitely things I would change about myself, but I like we're our life is at the moment as a team - kind of on (hopefully) a springboard platform! :)

    These are great questions and reminded me that I should be asking myself these regularly. You are doing the right thing with Nick and he will benefit from it in years to come - not east to see at the moment, but he will. You have a great perspective.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This was such a good post to read. All my life areas need work, so I'll ahve to give them some thought.

    ReplyDelete
  4. i'm with x-country that ALL my areas need work! i go from being super happy and feeling totally balanced one day to complete opposite the next. relationships are hard...what i wanted a few years ago isn't necessarily what i want now, but what can you do? so many curveballs...

    ReplyDelete
  5. I can definitely see where your thinking is! I have been mulling the same over in my head for months even before Emma came. So much so that I had a panic attack during class! I am about 2 classes away from my CAGS degree in Ed Leadership. I was all gears go to become a principal as soon as possible. Then I realized that not only do I want so desperately to stay home with her but since I can't I don't want to add time to my workday by becoming a principal! I am not very good at saying I can't do something but I had to take a real look at what matters most. For me I knew it is and always will be family. I know I can never get this time back. It's precious and I want Emma to know I am here. As hard as it was to come to terms with, my career can wait. Schools have been around a long time and will be when my family is ready. My daughter and others if we are so blessed MUST come first along with the hubs!

    I know the decision is hard and that you will be missing your hard work come through with your seniors but the time you have with Nick is so precious and FLIES BY!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. That photo of Nicholas wearing the Boston medal is so great! My wife is very recently pregnant with our first, due on none other than April 19, the day of the Boston Marathon!
    I'm hoping to qualify this October, but who knows if I'll be able to run it or not this year.

    Congrats on running Boston, and so soon after you delivered a baby. My wife is wondering about how much running she can reasonably expect to do, so I may be asking you some questions soon!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Your right, we can always better ourselves. Have you guys planned a date night that includes the little man? Maybe go out to dinner or something where he can tag along that way you dont worry about leaving him home with someone.

    After reading this, i think i need to sit down and re-evaluate how i am towards people. Thanks for the eye opener.

    Your a great mom and i'm sure your an amazing wife. Go on a hot date with your man & i bet you'll feel better in no time!

    Have a great weekend!

    ReplyDelete
  8. It's amazing what parenthood will make us re-evaluate isn't it? I mean, would we all care about this (as much) if it weren't for the fact that we now have children to raise in this crazy world.

    I didn't care about it until ryan was born, then I wondered about it. Now that Brayden has been with us for a while it makes the wonder turn to worry and second guessing.

    Thank God for children. They really do make this world a better place.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I took 3 1/2 months off because that was how much sick time I had saved up. Then my husband has a job where he could take leave too. So he took April until June. This will be the first time she is going to daycare...ugh! There is probably never an easy time!

    If you have family close use them! We are living about 2 hours away from both sets of parents so date nights are few and far between! That is one thing that we are wanting to change but it is hard without family close.

    ReplyDelete
  10. It's funny, this time of year always prompts that same line of thinking in me, too. I loved reading your reflections.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm only taking ten weeks off when the baby arrives, and I'm okay with that, but I am totally dreading taking the little guy to daycare so young. I'm secretly hoping my mom will retire and volunteer to watch him for me :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Babies are still at least a few years off for us, but I'm already thinking about these same issues. I'm working on my masters at night right now and it will probably take me about 2 years to finish. Part of me wants to start the whole baby thing as soon as I graduate, but I really want to stay home (if at all possible) for a few years when we have kids. Which would make my graduate degree kind of a moot point. Sigh. I guess I should just listen to my husband and accept that a baby is really more like 4-5 years away.

    I don't know if any of that rambling mess makes sense, but I get your dilemma!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I always think about what things could be like, etc. I know there is something different I want to do with my life but it's so hard to make the change.

    I think when we evaluate our life and relationships we will always find ways to improve.

    nice post.

    ReplyDelete
  14. very thought-provoking post! i hope you are feeling more at peace with your decisions everyday - i definitely don't think you are making the "wrong" choice. it's cheesy, but i often think of the song by darius rucker "it won't be like this for long". helps me to live in the now instead of always thinking about the future and wishing the days by. i also need to work on making time for my fiance. i'm used to doing what i want on my own time and sometimes by the end of the day when i'm 'free' it's 10 or 11 at night. i still need to grow up in that sense and start focusing on more than just myself. not that i'm self-centered, i just haven't had any other responsibilities yet.

    ReplyDelete