Nick

Kara

9.12.2008

nervous nelly

I’d say once a week, I start to worry and cause a ginormous headache that lasts all day. That day was yesterday. I start walking around school and thinking, I wish I wasn’t pregnant (horrible, awful thought- even though I want the little guy/girl), how can I live like I do now with a baby at home(go to the gym when I want, go run errands when I want, get my work done, etc etc), how is my life going to change, am I going to become a horrible teacher, how will I have time to bring work home, how will I stay home for 6-8 weeks and not want to tear out my hair, how will I then make sure I am around enough for my child, when I am also working (and I want to work because my job is a huge part of who I am) and on.. and on.. and on. I usually feel bad thinking these things, and most days I am thinking more positively about all of the fun things that are to come, but in the back of my head are all of these worries.

Other selfish worries are thinking about when I can't run for a while. It is really my life line and what I look forward to and what makes me feel good. Not being able to run at all, or not at a sufficient (to me) speed or for a long time is going to be very difficult. I know I should take it one day at a time, and I am sooo thankful that I can run still right now, I'm probably going to be struck down soon for being a complainer/worrier. Stop thinking about what is to come and start enjoying that I can run each day and it feels good. But I'm scared. Seeing pictures of huge ass pregnant ladies that look like all they can do is sit on a couch scares the S*** out of me!

Yesterday I had an awesome tm run. I felt like I wasn’t pregnant - this is the feeling that I prefer and I kind of pretend to myself that I am not pregnant bc I don't have any signs/symptoms except a bigger gut right now. I had to stop to go to the bathroom 3 times, and each time it was like no pee – but the pressure was making me stop to “go.” Weird feeling. This weekend my goal is to run 8, and I’m looking forward to next weekend’s distance run (race) in Philly!

Don't get me wrong - I am really psyched to have my own child, and that I am lucky enough to be pregnant and not have troubles. Also besides being a worry wart, this pregnancy is so easy. I would have to add that I was probably supposed to be a man - I would rather have someone else deliver me a child and I can enjoy the little person and not have my life flipped upside down. I have a hard time with being pregnant - but I want the end result. I just think it is unfair. I know it is beautiful and natural - but I think that is BS. I've always thought this and knew what I would be like when I was pregnant.. and I am like I thought, unfortunately.

Last I think that once I feel the little person moving I will feel better? I'm still in this in between stage where I just feel like I let myself go.

ONE DAY AT A TIME!

7 comments:

  1. hang in there girlie and try to enjoy it!!! its the only first time you will be pregnant :) just try to embrace and enjoy the miracle that is happening!!!

    awesome job on the run today!!! you are a champ :)

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  2. Try and relax a bit. Your life is going to change, but you will be able to do all that you want, you will just have to plan things out and adjust a little.

    Hang in there.

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  3. Awesome run yesterday. Great job. Hang in there and try to relax, you are blessed and your life will get better - not worse - in countless ways.

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  4. Seriously, I'd try to decrease your expectations of yourself during this pregnancy. You're only going to be frustrated if you try to run as well as you were pre-preg. Letting go has enabled me to really enjoy this pregnancy! I know PLENTY of women who couldn't even run during pregnancy who came back stronger than ever (one of them came in 3rd at the Flying Pig Marathon in '06 9 months after having her son - she didn't run her entire pregnancy!

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  5. I totally get it 100%. Read my blog entry today for an ah-ha moment I had last night... :) I think you might appreciate it.

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  6. i get it too. yet somehow i am ok with it so far, despite finally having the beginnings of a basketball under my shirt. i didn't think i would, but i find i really am grateful to be able to run, even to run slower with no pressure. i don't live the pregnant look, even though so far i've managed to keep it to my belly and away from my butt, thighs, etc. (14 more weeks, hope i can keep that up!). i think all your thoughts are totally normal...especially the one about having freedom and time to run when and how you want. people keep saying, and i am starting to suspect it's true, that somehow it just all works out.

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  7. OK, dont panic. I really think that a lot of what you are dealing with is perfectly normal. Even though most women wont admit they feel this way for fear of being perceived as a "bad mom".

    I doubt you will get huge because you seem really dedicated about getting out there and taking good care of yourself. Hang in there girl, you're doing great. It will all click soon enough.

    I am looking forward to the distance run next weekend too. Everyone has told me how great it is!

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