I have this tugging...
And it's not one of my kids grabbing onto me. I walked in the door from an early bike ride this morning and within 5 seconds Kara was holding on to my leg and crying for me. I'm so lucky to have my dad come over one day a week so I can do a longer workout day. As soon as I open that door, I have to be ready to be back in mom mode. I think my shower was about 30 seconds long with Kara trying to pull herself up on the glass and whining at me. But back to the tugging.
Over the past few months, I have been feeling like I have to get into something else. Being a mom is amazing! but I miss my identity as a teacher, team player, and hard worker. The 1-3 hours a day that I get to myself are just not enough for me, and I feel like I need to pursue another path. Walking out the door with food all over my shirt, my hair never done and feeling like I look like crap 90% of the time is kind of dehumanizing. Add to that reasoning with a 2-year old why it is time to leave. I don't have the energy. I want more. I need my own thing- my own success. Athletic training - training for running and triathlons now- is my outlet and I love it - but it's not enough. Tutoring on the side is great - but I don't do it enough. The nights that I get to tutor and get out of bedtime - I feel totally refreshed! I love using my brain and I even get paid for getting out of bedtime, it is a great feeling! I just have had 1-2 kids over the past few school years and need to somehow spread the word and get more kids.
I love how some of the blogs I read have created their own business. I thought about doing that for a while with some kind of baked product but let's be realistic - I'll never follow through. And where do these people find the time? I seriously have a guaranteed 2 hours to myself throughout the day (not including 5-7am because let's face it, that's when people sleep and that is my workout time. So maybe 4 hours, but I don't count that). When I was home with just Nick, I looked into pursuing my PhD. However, again, with 2 small kids now, that is not happening. I always wanted the option to teach at the college level. Unfortunately, I recently found out that I need a Masters in Math, not Education, in order to teach any college level courses in math. My latest thinking is to go get that Masters in Math - but on whose dime? It's not cheap. It was stupid to get a masters in Education/ Curriculum &Instruction- what the heck am I going to do with it? At the time, I just wanted to move along on the pay scale (for teachers) and it was easy to do and convenient (classes about 5 min from my home). But now that I know I can't teach (only education courses which are impossible to find jobs in) math, I wish I had gone another route - had I only known.
I've been thinking about going back to work more in the past 6 months than in the past 1.5 years. I had a similar thing going on with Nick, but having 2 kids with their age difference, is a real challenge for me I guess? Nick's 2 year old state combined with Kara's dependence on me for everything and demand for attention 24/7 is tiring me out. However, I know that a 5 day teaching week with work that I'd be bringing home would land me in the loony bin (head spinning) or miserable very quickly. Part of me wants to try it out and quit if it doesn't work out, but the other part of me knows myself well enough to know that I will be feeling absolutely guilty and missing my kids and like a subpar teacher and mom. Also, I want to raise my kids. Not someone else. Each time I have gone for a part-day of work on a few things I still have going on at school, I've missed the kids and felt sick driving there, but totally become immersed in the work to the point that it felt good. But - I've never done consecutive days or a full day of teaching. Next April I will have to decide if I return in September '12. Another thing is that I want 2 more kids. I can't even handle 2 kids well, haha! So I might have to rethink this, but I think the first years are tough and I have always wanted 4 kids.
I am just so confused at what direction I want my life to go in at this point besides that I know that I want to raise my kids myself in the short time that they are at home with me before they go off to school then college and leave forever... but I am missing something and not feeling 100% happy being home everyday all day. I need something else.
So big regrets -
I was 4 months away from my 3rd year in the same school and public school system - so tenure when I went out on maternity with Nick. I wish that I had planned out having Nick after I had the tenure (which maybe really doesn't even matter, but I'd like to be tenured). I can go back to work to get this, but only at the same position.
Had I known, I would have obtained my Masters in Math and established myself already with a part-time college position that I could continue into motherhood.
Looking ahead thoughts-
My happy medium/ideal - I think would be to teach 1-2 classes either at a college or local school. My job is 30 minutes away. I think I would enjoy going back to private school - I still keep in touch with my students from my first 3 years at a private all girls school- great experience but the pay sucks and there are expectations for extra time - after school meetings, night meetings, etc - without pay. I don't even think I'd care about the pay, it's just finding a part-time teaching job right now- not easy.
I would love to hear from other moms!