A while ago I read a post on Hangry Pants about complaining and what's the point of complaining when you can't change things? I feel like I complain all the time and I'm starting to see myself as a negative person. It's affecting my life. I have good weeks and bad weeks with the kids and in the bad weeks, all I can think is that a) I'm a horrible mom and b) I need a part time job. I can't just do this (staying at home) anymore. I feel like there are 50% weeks of feeling this way and 50% weeks of feeling like everything is going well and I'm happy and a good mom. I don't think 50% good is a good number.
Here's what has been going on:
**Our house has been on the market since April. Every time there is a showing I put alot of effort and work into it. It's stressful and I end up yelling at the kids and my heart rate is through the roof. I really want a heart rate monitor. One weekend we had 5 showings then a couple of people come back, and nothing came of it. I've really just had it completely and want a house with a yard and to be done with this process.
**Nick is at a fun age (2 1/2). Sometimes I feel like Kara (at 13 months) is a total pain and makes things that are fun less fun by her whining and crying, flinging her head back, etc. She's so high maintenance in my view and wants what she wants. I feel bad thinking sometimes that it would be nice to leave her at home and do fun things with Nick, but sometimes I do feel that way. I feel like I have to leave the house every day or I'm going to go completely insane.
**Nick doesn't share with Kara and is sneaky - pushing her down, shoving her and head butting her like an ox. She fights back by hitting him and trying to bite him. I'm nervous what she is going to be like around other kids!
**Bill leaves the house around 7 and gets home close to 7. Many days by the end of the day, I've absolutely had it. I want to run out of the house. On the days that I get to tutor, I cannot wait. I feel like I am being paid to get out of the house and bedtime. It is the best thing ever. I need more of that. When Bill gets home and sees that I'm in a horrible mood or have had it, he doesn't want to hear about it. I feel like I complain too much and he doesn't love his job and doesn't want to hear it. That makes things even worse for me and I just get angry, feel like a horrible mom and person and don't know what my life is. I feel like I'm a bad communicator and instead of just sucking it up and moving on from the day, welcoming Bill home and appreciating some help, I'm just in a bad mood so he feels like I'm taking out a hard day on him. Usually I'm just frustrated and like I said, want to run out of the house, but I guess I need to be a better communicator and figure out a better way or better balance.
**During the harder weeks I really want a part time job. I say this all the time and never follow through with it because really there isn't anything around for teaching part-time. Most districts are laying off, not hiring. I don't know what my future holds in the job front, but I feel like I keep telling myself it's important to be home with my kids now, I'll regret it later, and that I can teach in the future when they are in school. I don't know what the best thing for me is.
**Right now I feel like there's just a lot going on and I want to be settled with a house and neighbors that I can hang out with and have playgroup with. We live in a community where I'd rather just stay inside (lots of older people, divorcees, etc) and have no yard. I'm trying to be positive about everything and feel like I'm just a huge complainer and not a positive person.
Here are some questions for you:
How do you keep yourself positive?
What are your best techniques for effective communication?
Do you thrive on structure or going with the flow?