Loss of identity

Run On
***warning: Negative & whiney post ***

I'm struggling a bit with the whole thought of ballooning up in size and not being able to run as much as I would like, or do other things like I do now. It hasn't come to this point yet, but I'm anxious and scared of what will happen. I am always that person worried about something coming up, that isn't even worth worrying about at the time. Why I do this to myself I don't know!! I'm also wondering why just one person in the relationship has to be the one to give up her body, stay home from work for x amount of time, and be the main caregiver. I think it would be fair if we could take turns and next kid, my husband could carry. I'm kind of resentful.

In the first trimester, my speed (and motivation) declined. Some days I had to drag myself to the gym. I was so lucky not to be sick, but I couldn't wait to leave the gym or be done with my workout most days. That is better now and I enjoy working out everyday, but now I have this stupid knee problem which isn't allowing me to run fast. Looking at my mileage and time is starting to get me down. Thinking back to my spring running, which is when I really started to run fast (for me), and my times now, it is kind of hard to swallow. And it is only going to get harder.

Below at 13 weeks (8/15/08), totally sucking it in. I haven't really gained weight yet, but I started out being 5 pounds over my normal weight and feeling bulky for my small frame (5"4). I think those 5 pounds made their debut as back fat, which is gross and adds to my waist size. So far, I just feel like I'm over my normal weight and bloated.

Today I trucked through a 7.28 mile run in 1:05. In the spring, I would have done that in less than an hour. I should be resting my knee, but fighting the slow down already, I am forcing myself to run on. I have a great deal of nervousness as to the next 6 months and beyond! My goal has been to do the Boston Marathon next year with a charity. It is 2 months after my due date and probably not even close to a legitimate goal, but I feel like I need to keep my identity somehow and have something planned out to look forward to to make sure that I'm still in there. I was thinking of applying and seeing if I get in and taking it as meant to be or not. I am not looking for a PR.

I was elated after finishing a long run last week, even though looking at the time, it took FOREVER in relation to past runs! Still, I felt empowered that I could still run long.

I'm trying to find balance and realize the end result will be so worth it, but instead I am scared s***less and being totally selfish. I need to realize that it isn't forever, it IS a sacrifice, and my world will be rocked and have more meaning with the addition of a child. Maybe running won't be so important in my life, and running marathons won't be my main goals? I feel like I am the anti pregnant girl and that everyone else who is pregnant is just super excited and happy.


  1. Nothing wrong with venting. It must be tough being pregnant, and I do understand how you must feel. But, wow, you are hard on yourself.

    My view: You look great, and amazingly you are still running hard and strong in your second trimester. Of course you arent as fast a before. Enjoy these special moments and "roll" with it (get it.. hardy har har).

  2. I think it's normal to feel this way. Especially since you're going into the "unknown" and let's face it, the hormones don't help any LMAO! You never lose your identity when you become a Mom (there is still time to do what you want to do. It's just that it might not be when you want or as long as you want) but you actually add more to yourself :-)

    And oh please, come back to me when you gain 75 plus pounds ;-) You look fab! I probably tacked on 15 pounds at the point your at HAHAHAA.

  3. Blogging is a great way to vent, plus others can help make you feel better!

    I think its awesome that your still running while being pregnant. How many times in your life are you really going to get to say your running for 2! I think its great! :)

    I'm for sure going to get the attachment for my shoe. If i understand right, its connecting to my nano and thats how i know whats going on, right? Accuracy dosent bother me.. its prolly close if not closer than my treadmill anyway! :) I can't wait to set up the software on my computer so i can blog!!

  4. love the warning :)

    i completely relate to how you feel and it is exactly why i am so afraid to get pregnant (also not being ready yet... but thats besides the point). i always feel like i would be resentful and just negative about it.

    its important for you to vent!! but i also think you are AMAZING, seriously, you are still working out A LOT, and you look great. try and be positive and just think of all the good things that will come! take it easy and enjoy this time - it will be over so fast! one of my best friends is due anyday and it seems like just yesterday she told me she was pregnant.

  5. I really can't help out on this subject. I'm looking forward to having a kid (but I don't have to go through all the body shifting stuff) I just want to get him/her running by age 4 so I can turn him/her into the Michael Phelps of running... and no you can't steal my idea. HA!

  6. ha ha, join the club!! it IS scary, but i'm finding taking each day as it comes makes it ok...just don't look 6 months down the road!! i'm totally selfish too, as i'm sure you've figured out. goals are good...mine aren't as ambitious as yours (i'm hoping to PR in a 5k 4 months PP though) but they do help me realize i'm NOT GIVING UP RUNNING. the scariest thing is thinking it might not be as important as it is now...which is too weird to comprehend and i'm resisting that, but who knows??? we're still PRing in the PDR in 9/09 though.

  7. I'm sure it's scary, this is a perfect place to vent and I'm sure plenty of people (i.e. Marcy) have a great perspective for you.
    I'm excited you are still running. I think it's great that you are keeping healthy, incorporating a baby into a healthy lifestyle, and you look great! Soon, you'll be one of those runners kicking butt with a stroller. :)

  8. Hang in there hun! It is fine to vent whaeeling. It is a time when the body changes the thought of outr future changes. We are different after motherhood and surely while growing a child within us. When I say it changes it is totally for the better, you are still you know what I mean. You will venture though this with gold stars. It does not help that our body is jacked up with a bunch of hormones making it difficult to face the unknown. You will get through and to be running with a liltle bit of a slow down is still fantastic progress! I think I rerun tv marathons so I suck you rock.

  9. I am new to your blog, but boy do I hear you! I am newly pregnant and I was training for a marathon, so I am having a hard time figuring out how much I should scale back. I am 8 weeks along and already up 2 lbs and I was 5-8 lbs overweight to begin with. ugh! But it is a sacrifice. We have to share our bodies now!


  10. Hey I'm a worrier too and it's not good. I worry so much it literally makes my tummy sick. Let it OUT so you and that baby can feel better. I think you are just reacting to a new, strange thing happening to your body. Most women when pregnant totally give up excercise and eat EVERYTHING in sight. So give yourself a break and listen to your body. IT's going through a lot right now so you should be a bit slower. I would be careful on your knee too. When that tum of yours gets a bit bigger it will be more added pressure to your knee and could make it hard to get around.

    And I have decided to try Runner's World beginner 1/2 marathon training program. I had a question for you. When it says 2 mile, 5-7 1:00 IA, 2 miles...I take that to do 5-7 IA while running the 2 miles. Or does it mean, run 2 miles, do 5-7 1 min. intervals and then another 2 miles? I just thought the Lil Runner might know. :)

  11. Hi there, per your comment on my blog, no I won't be doing the maraton since I just found out I am pregnant. I do plan on doing the relay at the marathon though. I haven't told the world on my training blog yet, so I am keeping up a sort of facade until I see the heartbeat. I blog about baby stuff on the baby blog.

  12. OK, here are my thoughts. You are doing a fabulous job keeping up with running and exercising. This will definitely help you post pregnancy, so don't stress. Boston will be in your future. Just think how cool crossing the finish line will be with your husband and son/daughter waiting for you.

    Think about how amazing you are to be carrying a little one in to the world. Their arrival will be here before you know it. You will not lose who you are just because you are pregnant or because you are a mom. You don't need to change.

    Try to enjoy this time in your life.

  13. Hi there is a way to not have it show. On the dashboard, you can edit what blogs show up in your list. I took my baby one off b/c I am not ready for everyone I know here in real life to know I am preggo and a lot of real life people read that blog. If you look at my profile, my baby blog isn't listed.

  14. My favortite quote, "You are having a baby, not a personality transplant."
    Believe me, I've had my meltdowns... luckily Scott has been awesome about them and he just lets me cry. He knows that my good days are the days when I get to exercise so hopefully that continues after baby is born. It does get harder being pregnant- running is out for me now b/c I'm carrying baby really low so I feel like I urgently have to pee all the time when I run (even when I walk sometimes). But some people can run all the way through so maybe you'll be one of them? Fingers crossed. Anyway, you may find a new level of 'acceptance' for your current situation. I found that has happened for me- almost better when you actually start showing that you're preggo rather than just feeling fat. We'll keep going through this together and eventually get through it. Don't you think it helps to see others who have recently given birth and look great? Makes us feel like we can do that too! Hang in there!

  15. Oops, it's supposed to be AI which it says is Aerobic Intervals where you push the pace a little bit and then jog slowly. When I look at the rest of the week, 4 miles is the average so I didn't think it would 2 miles, plus whatever miles to get through 5-7 intervals, and 2 more miles. I just did 4 miles total with 7 1:00 min. sprints.

  16. You might feel better when it is apparent to others that you are pregnant. I felt like other people would just think that I was fat at first since I was too small to look pregnant. By 20 weeks they will all be able to tell and then you might feel better about it. I didn't put weight on for a while but definitely felt bloated really early on and had to wear pants a size bigger until the mat. clothes worked.

    Don't feel bad about anything that you feel! You have every right to feel whatever you want, this is a whole new thing! It definitely does NOT make you a bad person, EVERYONE thinks the same thing, whether they say it or not.

  17. How many times have you heard "women come back better runners after childbirth?". Ahh doesn't help now though, does it? I'm 19 weeks pregnant and everyone I know is signing up for marathons and ultras that I really want to do. Rather than being thankful for an excuse not to do them, I'm really quite jealous. My most daring attempts are a few 10Ks. Oh well, here's hoping the theory is true :-)

  18. For starters, being a man I have no idea what you are going through and am hardly qualified to comment. But seeing my wife go through two pregnancies, with her ups and downs, all I can contribute is this: your body was designed for this specific thing, and you will be great at it! Also, it seems that women come back stronger after having kids (see Dara Torres as a recent example), and although the Boston Marathon may be too close after your baby's birth, you'll be back running and will be awesome. Another positive: you'll be forced to rest that knee and fully recover!

  19. It is definitely hard sacrificing running for being pregnant. I am 30+ weeks now and running is just plain uncomfortable now! It's hard to let go of the control you have over your body and your running, but if I could give you any advice, it's that having a lot of expectations of yourself during pregnancy is just a set-up for disappointment. Everyday is different - some days you'll feel good, some days like skipping your run. Embracing that this is out of your control brings a lot of relief, in my opinion. Now, I just enjoy the days I feel halfway decent while running and on the days I have to walk instead, I just try to stay positive knowing that it's very temporary that I won't be able to run the way I want to. It's the first big sacrifice for my child out of a million that will occur in his lifetime.

  20. Thanks for your comments on my blog. I haven't really got much slower. I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was about 11 weeks, but I've been quite consistent since. Somedays are better than others, but that's mostly to do with the weather. I tend to overheat quite quickly, which can really zap me. But living in Scotland, the rain is guaranteed to keep me cool :-)

    A little bump only really appeared in the last week, but I think only those who know me would notice. I'm quite looking forward to having a proper bump. I feel quite self-conscious at this in-between stage.

  21. Don't worry about venting. It's totally normal. I know some people made me feel like crap for having concerns but the truth is now is the time to adjust and work through what's important to you and what the change is going to mean. Plus the hormones are crazy!

    Just remember it's only a year (or less) and that it is worth it. (Not that it invalidates what you're feeling AT ALL)

    One comment about Boston -- be careful not to set yourself up for disappointment, too.
    I know for me, I was over a week late (very, very common for first time moms) and then had a c-section which makes recovery a necessity even more so)-- I'll just be returning to running 2 months past my duedate, and imagine that I'd be very disappointed if that coincided with a bigger goal... Of course, you may respond differently, just wanted to put that out there.

  22. Sorry to hear you're feeling bad..but don't feel bad about feeling bad (if that makes any sense).

    It is 100% normal. I think especially for active, athletic, goal oriented pregnant women.

    The women I don't get are the ones the LOVE pregnancy. Yes. Kids are awesome and amazing, but I really, really disliked being pregnant. And feeling guilty about that is not something you need to add!

  23. omg, i didn't know you are prego! congrats!! i think it's totally ok to be selfish... i mean, this is a huge change to your body and emotionally, it can't be easy. this is a transitional time for you! feel free to vent! it's your blog, after all. it's great that you're still running! btw, you don't even look pregnant. your belly looks like mine after a meal! and running will always be there for you... and i'm sure many many more races in the future!

  24. Yes, this is me trying to catch up on reading everyone's blogs (I'm so lame).

    When I was scrolling down, i saw your pic before I read, and thought, holy cow, she is so tiny!! Seriously, with that tiny little bump, you look so cute and petite.

    You are amazing to run as much as you do while still being pregnant. Give yourself credit, and be grateful for what you are able to do. Don't beat yourself up for not feeling something that you think you're supposed to feel. Everyone is different.

    I also worry a lot about things that never even come to be, but I just like to be prepared. But sometimes it can cause too much stress, which you definitely don't need. Focus on the good things- search out the good things- emphasize the good things. It will help.

    BTW, I don't know what back fat you're talking about. = )