Yesterday I decided I was done pumping. It had come to the point where I was pumping less than an ounce in about 20 minutes and it seemed futile. I was only still nursing Nick in the mornings, but I have a feeling that might just end up drying up. I've kind of been sad/emotional about it, even though I made it far, it takes some work, etc etc etc, I'm disappointed and feel sad about it. I have been giving Nick formula 2 times a day already, and used to pump enough for his nighttime bottle (6oz) - from all day's pumping, but it started to decrease each week/day to less and less.

Soul :

Overall, I've been emotional and can cry at the drop of a hat. I think my hormones are all over the place. I'm finding it hard to be home and be alone with Nick all day even when I plan things for most days. I just got a group of friends together for a playgroup that hopefully will be good for both of us, but I quit gymboree in the new year. Staying at home is definitely isolating. Tutoring is something that I look forward to, but it is during Nick's nap, which takes away my free time that I feel that I have little of as it is. My main focus has been his birthday which has kept me going but I get bored very easily and need projects to keep me busy.

Body :

Do you ever wish you were one of those people who didn't have to work out and could eat whatever they want? I do almost every day. I love the feeling working out gives me but I feel like I have to do it and if I don't do it, that I'd be very unhappy with my body. It's a deadly triangle and I think it sucks feeling like I have to exercise everyday so that I can eat what I want. I haven't tracked my calories/eating and definitely need to. Running has been going ok, last week I missed my 30 miles/week goal by 2.7 miles that I just couldn't push myself to do!

I keep craving things and wanting to bake. It's horrible because I really just want to eat my fruits and veggies and stop eating anything junky. Today I really just wanted Naturally Nutty - the butter toffee flavor. So, I took my almonds and coated them with butter and sugar as per a recipe I found online, and made my own version of the nut butter. IT was delicious but somehow their version has the same nutrition facts as regular peanut butter, which I know mine does not with butter and sugar in the mix. I'd break down and order it if they didn't say they were sending me samples and then I never heard from them again! Booo!

It is the last week of HBBC and I have to say that I was 10x more motivated last year when I was at the end of my pregnancy with Nick!


  1. You're right to go with the flow regarding the nursing thing. There's no sense beating yourself up with lengthy, non-productive pumping sessions. A happier Mom is a better Mom.

    Also, you don't have to exercise every day in order to eat what you want. That's false. Of course, poor nutritional and level of activity choices have repurcussions, but that's very different than saying you must exercise every day. An inactive thin person who eats junk isn't something to aspire to either.

    Make sure you're getting enough protein. Sometimes our bodies crave sweets when it needs protein. If you're pretty sure that's not the case, you can try out a one week period without any refined sugars and see how that goes. Just some ideas.

  2. I feel ya sista'! When I don't run or exercise I feel like I shouldn't be putting stuff in my mouth! But you would have never known that these past two weeks!
    Good job on keeping up with the running...you will find a balance, I am confident. :)

  3. I've been having some major cravings lately too and just want to bake and eat like crap! I'm hoping now that the holidays are over I can start craving normal food again :)

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  5. I ate pretty decent, for the most part, over the holidays, but now all I seem to crave are sweets. Time to get crack-a-lackin' with the fruits!

  6. I understand all the emotional hormonal crying and stuff. UGH. It sucks bc you KNOW that its just all your hormones out of whack but that doesn't help you snap out of it and become rational again. :(

  7. You shouldn't beat yourself up for quitting the breastfeeding/pumping at this point. You did for WAY longer than many women do, and dropping the pumping, especially, will probably free some much needed time up for you.

  8. Didn't want you to think I didn't read this post but I'm going to email you "my comment" instead...

  9. The BF thing is probably related to other things, I'm sure you know that. Keep your head up Natalie!!!

    You're doing great.

  10. I had the same thing happen with my and breastfeeding. I totally understand your frustration! I did not make it as long as you though :-)

  11. Don't worry about the breastfeeding, you've done a great job!

    By the way, I was REALLY hormonal when I weaned...I'm sure you are going through the same thing. I felt sad/depressed/happy/unsure all at the same time. It took about 4 to 6 weeks before I felt kind of normal.

  12. Do you belong to any other moms groups? I tried MOMS Club (its a national group) and that wasn't the right fit for me. But then I found a local moms group through meetup.com and it was a LIFESAVER. I totally know what you mean about the isolation but the moms group opened up my world. I made new friends with moms who have kids the same age as my son and we've been going through the same things together. It's been so good.

  13. At least you made the decision about pumping and didn't have your body or other outside factors make it for you.

    You will probably be in for a little emotional roller coaster as you stop nursing...assuming that your production will decline without the pumpings. Try and keep your workouts going to help offset the blues you might encounter. And get some sunshine when you can, it really helps lift your mood.

    Remember a little exericse/running is better than none.

  14. It's good you are listening to your body and heart on the breastfeeding; you have done a fab job to feed as long as you have.

    I could only breastfeed through one breast b/c the other's ducts were destroyed by radiation. That, combined with being over 40, meant a very very low milk production. If I missed a feeding or failed to pump I dried up almost immediately and required a lot of herbs to help me maintain production. So I know that it is a commitment of time and love.

    Nick will be fine without the breast feeding, as will you. I think its normal to miss it. Sometimes I still do, although only for a moment and for the connection not all the other crap that goes along with it, the engorged breasts, the discomfort, the leaking.

    Your hormones are shifting again; they will continue to do so. Just try to listen as best you can and go with the flow.

    Nick has a fantastic mommy. Don't sell yourself short on being less motivated. In my experience, when I feel those moments and am hard on myself I usually/subsequently realize that what was a lack of motivation was really a time when all my energies were going INSIDE, not OUT, and I failed to understand/honor that.

    You take care of yourself. XO, Helen.

  15. I know what you mean re: those thin people that eat whatever they want, but I truly believe that they don't exist. I have some thin friends and they really don't eat that much at all. In fact, I usually feel hungry after eating at their house b/c they eat so little. (Once we went on a hiking trip with some thin friends who are very health conscious. I made the mistake of letting them take care of the food. 2 veggie dogs at dinner and they were "stuffed." WHAT? I was foraging for food in the forest.) Someday you will be old and likely a little rotund and you will wonder why you spent so much of your life hating your body. I find that if I focus on feeling fit and eating when hungry I feel more balanced. And, when I was pregnant the last time I did not eat vegetables for the majority of my pregnancy. Just mac n' cheese, cinnamon toast, PB sandwiches, and sweets. I think Alicia might have something with the protein thing, though.

  16. Give yourself a break from the breastfeeding and the working out. You've been forcing yourself to work out for so long that you can't even remember what it's like to enjoy it.

    And I've got no advice about the stay at home loneliness. After this Christmas break which is the most time I've spent at home since my maternity leave I was truly blown away by how hard it would be to be a stay at home mom.

  17. "Do you ever wish you were one of those people who didn't have to work out and could eat whatever they want?"

    I don't think I know anyone who doesn't wish this. Even people I know who are REALLY skinny feel this way.

    You're a great mom and going through a lot with the end of nursing, staying at home, working out, etc. It's no wonder you are emotional. It's been quite a year for you. But you're doing GREAT! Maybe after you have completely weaned him, your hormones will even out a little? Although I'm sure there is more to it than that.

    Good luck!

  18. First...congrats on making it as long as you did nursing!!! Don't feel bad about it at all. Nick is going to be just fine!!!

    And I totally understand the whole not working thing. It's hard. I honestly would probably be back at work if I had something to go back into . Hopefully the playgroups work out for you. It isn't the same but it helps! I really wish we were neighbors. I think we would fine plenty to do to occupy our time!!

  19. Nick is getting all the nutrients he needs from his food. You've done a grand job.

    I get it. I wouldn't run 50 miles a week if I was blessed with a naturally slim figure. I always maintain: I don't like running, I just like eating :-)

  20. I have gone through many days feeling a bit depressed about being at home and so isolated. I actually think the first year was the hardest since there are only so many things you can do with a newborn. Moving also was a challenge since I didn't know anyone. Now that Elena is closer to 2 yrs, staying at home is a lot easier and lately I will admit that I LOVE staying home. She is more of a person since she can talk and is actually pretty good company. I feel like I put in 2 really hard years being home and now I get to enjoy it. Plus, Elena has been sleeping in late so that helps a lot! The days I am happiest are those when I drop her off at the YMCA childcare so I can swim and then we go home and she takes a nap for a couple hours. This makes me feel like I get a lot of time to myself. I wish we lived closer so that we could baby swap!

  21. Sending you hugs! It sounds like this postpartum year has just been a rough adjustment for you, and that is definitely understandable because your entire life got turned upside down and hormones thrown all out of whack. Try to find some things that you truly love to do, and maybe try to get out some when you have someone to watch Nick so you can have some alone time or some time to go do something for yourself.

  22. ::Hugs:: Stay strong girl!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo