I have been looking forward to today for about 2 weeks. I was able to grade state tests today - a one day thing. Yesterday I started thinking, oh man, I can't take Nick to the Y to swim, we can't play, etc etc. But, last night I was ready and excited.
So today I headed into work. It was strange getting up, getting dressed. It felt really good. Nick was up at 3:30 from 9ish, not the best, but I got up around 5:15 to go on the treadmill. Having to pump first, it cut my workout short, but I ran 3.5 miles while I watched the news. It reminded me of the old days. I kind of liked it. I took a quick shower, Nick was awake around 6, so after getting changed I fed him. I had wanted to change my shirt, wasn't too sure about the outfit, but that went by the wayside, so what I had on was what I left the house with. I managed to make oatmeal and tea - I ate in the oatmeal at red lights on the way in the car. I fed Nick while walking around the house making sure I had everything together. Bill was staying with him till 8 and going into work late, and my mom took off today to watch him. I left the house when I wanted to and headed into work.
As I was nearing work, I started to feel sick. It wasn't that I didn't want to go. It just felt so normal and routine to be driving to work. As I walked up to the stoplight where some colleagues were standing, and they took a double take then gave me hugs, I felt really weird! Just that it was normal, like I could just jump right back into it. I made it up to the 3rd floor where I teach (taught), and felt the same way. It felt comfortable, normal - that I was there. I feel like I could do it - and I'm sure that I can, but leaving Nick 5 days a week - I wouldn't want to do. Still, there is no happy medium and I didn't want to regret that I left him. On Sunday, I emailed the superintendent to see if I could substitute teach - I could do this 1-3 days a week. He hasn't responded yet. I think this would be so great. I am almost sure he will say no. I just wish there was a way for me to stay involved with the kids and the math, and WORK. It is hard work staying home, and I definitely could do the working mom thing - I would just rather do it part time until Nick is a bit bigger. In fact, I think working (basing it only on this one day) will make me feel well rounded, and like who I am.
In other news, I started writing about running in Philly and wrote my first article on the Broad Street run. Check it out! It is a mini side job that I'll be doing. I think that I earn a cent for every view. Other than that, I am tutoring, but it just is not the same and could never replace teaching. I don't plan to stay home forever, but I think it will be harder and harder to leave Nick and then more kids. Maybe I should have just headed back in September (but too late now), so as not to prolong the process? I think about this often. And then I would return to who I am and figure out how I will include Nick in the who I am as a teacher - wife - and mom.
These adjustments are tricky.